I remember, years and years ago, watching aghast as a friend of mine told her then 6 year old daughter that she couldn't ride in the back of my bakkie (pick-up?), 'cos the canopy door 'was broken'.
In my pre-parental naivety I felt the size of the lie was hugely disproportionate to the issue at hand, such a blatant untruth merely to prevent a possible melt-down?
Now that I'm a parent I have a whole lot more sympathy. I now realise that this could have been one in a series of power-plays which had been taking place all day, that my friend possibly knew her daughter was hungry or tired and that getting into a debate just wasn't worth the risk. I now know about picking your battles. I know how fragile a child's young ego is, and how a parent quickly learns to tread gently around it, often risking other people's judgment and disapproval, but trying to ignore that in the knowledge that you know your offspring better than anyone.
I also know how easy it is to lie when you're tired, or hungry, or your ego is feeling a bit fragile.
But I'm determined not to. This is not a judgement, or something which makes me feel sanctimonious and holy.
Lying makes me feel crap, and I don't like feeling crap.
Not lying makes me use my imagination, and I like using my imagination.
I want my kids to trust me, and I credit them with being bright enough to learn quickly if they can't.
It's not possible to tell the blatant truth all the time. One can't be honest about the truly horrific birthday gift (at least not to the giver), or exactly how many Smarties one may (or may not!) have eaten last night while baking cookies for Friday's school bake day. But this doesn't mean one has to lie.
'What an enormous vase!'
'Not as many as I could have.'
These are both legitimate, and honest, answers. And both true.
If my children are to learn from me, from my example, then I want to teach them the classiest, most imaginative, most respectful way to navigate the world as truthful human beings.
I want to be able to say 'I never lie to you' and mean it. I want them to trust me on that.
Your post has got me all stirred up! I want to write and tell you of the many examples of where I have been honest with my 4 & 7 year olds and how they continually & beautifully bounce back from disappointment -so-incredibly-well. I believe they do this 'cause I have never lied to them or twisted the truth.... I remove unwanted things from their sight after they have played with them once and then tell them honestly if I chucked them - when they ask. (At their ages this has included Pokemon cards and toy guns.) I can't wrap them in cotton wool, but at these tender ages I want their minds filled with David Attenborough. Their curiousity for the world peaks soon and there will be plenty of disinterest to come - so while I have the chance to guide them - I do. We talk about sadness (to do with death, killing, war). We talk of respect (to do with relating to others). My mantra to them is: "Are you listening? Are you part of the team (the family)? Are you being safe(this includes personally and with others)?" Everything revolves around this. My boys are very imaginative, they have high emotional intelligence, and I do think they are incredibly classy! Do they trust me? The 7 year old wants to tell me EVERYTHING that is happening in his life and some of it I am already feeling OMG!
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes. I love how you parent.
DeleteWell said! I feel so strongly about this especially since I believe we lay the foundations for the relationship we have with our future teenager while she is still a young child. I seriously want her to trust me and believe me and value my opinion THEN.. so I'm don't want to threaten that by playing games with truth now. It's not easy.. and so true that we have to be super-creative at times.. but I think it's worth it for the future!
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