Sunday's starting at a small playgroup this week.
In another classic example of what people have been known to call 'Molly's Luck', the place just fell in my lap via a much more jacked friend whose little girl (same age as Sunday) will be starting there too.
(Actually it's a new little school opening up a few doors down from my friend's house so maybe it kind of fell into her lap too.)
Anyhoo, I've been very excited about it - loving the idea of Sunday playing with other little kidlets 2 or 3 times a week and blissfully anticipating an extra free morning for writing - happily telling people that she'll be starting school 'next year'.
But, now it is next year, now in fact she's starting this week and I am, naturally, now riddled with guilt and emotion and feeling more than a little weepy.
Friday was two and half when she started preschool. She'd been talking for 18 months and we'd been chatting about school for many weeks before she started.
She totally got the concept, was very excited about it, knew I'd be back to collect her in a couple of hours. When I dropped her off that first morning she happily scrambled into the sandpit without a backward glance while I wept pathetically behind my dark glasses and sat outside in the hot car for a completely unnecessary 15 minutes just in case she noticed I was gone and cried for me (ha!) and fought the urge to phone my mother and blubber incoherently.
Obviously I blame all this emotion on the fact that I was 8 months pregnant at the time.
With Sunday. Mah baby.
She'll only be two in March, she's still prattling away in mostly incoherent baby talk. We understand her but will anyone else? Her bottom lip quivers when I leave her with her beloved nanny, she still cries as she drives away with my Mum, whom she loves. She's a clinger, this youngest daughter of mine.
How on earth will she take to being left with virtual strangers?
The thought of her navigating snack, peer interaction, adult guidance from someone other than the 4 or 5 key grown-ups in her life, hurried mornings getting ready and mostly, my leaving her there and driving away, suddenly has me feeling very wobbly.
I know that so many parents have weathered this experience with much younger children than Sunday, and I know there's a whole bunch of reasons she'll be fine - not least of all that she's watched her sister happily go off to, and come home from, school for ages now - but still ...
She doesn't have to go to school. This is not a necessity born from my work situation or a lack of other child care options, and that's why I'm feeling conflicted about it.
Sunday's starting playschool 'cos it suits me, because I've decided it'll be a good idea. Are my motives selfish? Am I potentially putting her through premature separation anxiety for all the wrong reasons?
No. She'll love it, even if it does take a few traumatic goodbyes. And I've no doubt the trauma will be more mine than hers.
She'll love it and she'll thrive and in a few short weeks I'll look back at this post and laugh at myself and my indulgent parental angst.
As usual this is my shit, which I'm trying to disguise as concern for my child. This is my baggage and my baggage is this:
I've realised this last week, that 2011 was our last year of having a baby in the house. I am 100% confident and sure that I don't want another one, but I'm shocked at the finality of the thing - no. more. babies.
By the end of this year Sunday will be nearly three, she'll be losing those baby curves, her face will be that of a little girl, she'll be talking and doing and growing so very much more independently of me. Mah baby.
My baby's taking her first steps off into the world. Come Thursday expect to find me weeping in a hot car.
Ahhhh Molly - thanks for posting this. I am in the EXACT same position. My baby starts "school" next week and she is also not yet 2 (only in April) my son was 7 months older than she is when he started at the same little play school.... and I am feeling more than a little nervous as how it's going to go!! Hope your transition goes smoothly - let me know how it goes - moral support and all that ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, Molly. I so understand where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteMy little one started kindie in november. Before he even turned one, but that was out of nescessity.
But those younger siblings are much more experienced in the world. He'd knew exactly where he was because he'd been on my arm to deliver his big brother for almost a year.
But when he (sometimes) cries as I leave him it breaks my heart.
He's my baby.
Sending love and encouragement.
A. xxx
MissBuckle talks much sense - these younger siblings have the benefit of their older, wiser guides to show them the way.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't make it any easier though does it? I'll be thinking of you come Thursday - hope it all goes smoothly for all of you and you can lounge undisturbed on a chaise lounge typing deep, meaningful thoughts in peace :-)
Thank you ladies!
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling so much better about it already - so therapeutic to have a little moan in cyberspace.
Good luck Kathryn!
My little just turned 2 year old girl started playschool today, I was so nervous, but she was excited. She put on fairy wings and pretended to be a butterfly with the other girls and a little boy dressed as a dog came and howled at them. She then completely ignored me when I said goodbye and did not ask for me once apparently. I am so proud of her, and me, for letting go.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so nervous to post a contrary opinion but truly think these years belong to your daughter and yourself. I've raised five children, started preschool for them at four (yes, I was able to stay home, not available for all). I just think two is too young for this separation! Don't you want to be her primary caregiver? As much as possible?
ReplyDeleteOh dear, now I've opened my big mouth! I recall my children's "play mates" were children of friends and we'd get together at homes and parks!
Anyhow I present a contrary opinion!
Hi Barbara, don't be nervous, I value contrariness!
ReplyDeleteI've been deeply privileged to have had (and still have) as much time with my daughters as I have. Almost all of my contemporaries are working mothers, the majority from necessity.
My eldest girl (5 this year) is at preschool 5 mornings a week (til 12.30), my youngest will now be going 2 or 3 mornings - all the rest of the time we have together, just the 3 of us or visiting friends in homes and parks. And I'm really, really lucky to be able to have that much time with them.
I too believe that these years belong (as much as possible) to them, but as I know I'll only be having these two children I need to start thinking ahead to the years to come and what I'll be doing once they're properly in school.
I would imagine with 5 children that your 'work' was more than cut out for you, and I've always thought such a lovely large family must provide so much companionship for the siblings.
My little girl is starting to miss her sister in the mornings, and I think will value the chance to play with other kids for a few hours, even without me.
All of that said - the drop-off went amazingly well this morning! She was a star, apparently had a lovely time and has been a very happy little tyke all afternoon!
glad to hear it went well!! hope my transition is as smooth.
ReplyDelete