I've had two reasons lately to be reminded of this, neither thankfully too close to home.
One,
a neighbour we've realised is using ... something. Weird requests for
the loan of odd amounts of money at strange times of the day - the first
time I lent her the cash (which was very promptly repaid) but
subsequently I got really uncomfortable about it, especially as she kept
asking me not to tell her boyfriend as 'he'd be embarrassed'. I turned
down the second request, saying I didn't have any cash in the house, but
I don't like lying, so the next few times I just said no, sorry but no.
She looks edgy, fretful.
She begged me the last time I refused her, but still wasn't saying what she wanted the cash for.
I've witnessed a couple of deliveries to her house at random times of the day.
The signs are all there, and it's terrifying.
Two,
a friend of a friend has started using again after 8 years clean. In a
matter of weeks she's lost her job, her relationship, her house, most of
her possessions.
Her mother won't take her in after the hell she
went through, emotionally and financially, the last time her daughter
was in active addiction.
Her mother won't take her in.
The trauma of those words haunt me. For the the mother as much as for her child.
The self-loathing, the destruction, the hard, hard work trying to get
out of it. The tedium and relentless self-examination required to stay
clean. The debasement of using.
Addiction is terrifying.
Drugs are so much dirtier, and cheaper, then when we were 'young'. They're easier to get hold of and easier to get hooked on.
So what do we do? We teach our kids to love and respect themselves,
to think. We educate them. We work to build relationships in which they
feel they can talk to us about anything. We work to steel ourselves to
trust them, to trust the work we've done. We stop our ears against the
stories we hear of parents who do all this and still battle addiction in
their families.
We hope against hope against hope that we never have to fight that fight.
And we talk. To our children, our friends, each other. Anything you'd like to say?
Oh, these are the 'big' parenting moments aren't they? Makes the 'really hard' years we're going through look like a walk in the park really. I am so afraid of this kind of thing, I'm so ill prepared for it. I've never ever taken drugs, never even been offered them ... I've never even smoke a cigarette. And as I result I really don't know how to talk about it with my children. MrSpud is quite the opposite, but I don't know if that makes him better or worse equipped to tackle the issue.
ReplyDeleteSo sad for your friend though. Can you imagine what her mother must be going through, to shut the door on her own child. It's easy for us to say we'd never do that but then sometimes love means making some very hard decisions.
MrSpud has a friend whose mother did the same, and it broke her heart. He died of an overdose a few years ago and his mother couldn't go to the funeral because she couldn't bury her son. His Dad had to stand up there and talk about his wonderful, brave, gifted, damaged boy and bury his son alone, because his mother couldn't do it. It breaks me every time I think about it.
x
Thanks Spuddie - especially for giving perspective on the supposedly 'hard times' now, so worth remembering!
DeleteHeartbreaking story though, I cannot (and hope never to) imagine her pain.
shivers down my spine...
ReplyDeleteIndeed!
DeleteI hate drugs. Hate them.
ReplyDeleteThe best way to prevent drug use (or teen pregnancy or alcohol misuse) is to talk, talk, talk about it within the safety of the family environment. It's not enough to rely on educational programmes at school, by the time teens are in Life Orientation lessons its too late. Kids are curious, they need age-appropriate information as they grow up to be informed and aware. The best thing that talking in the family does is make your kids know that any topic is open for discussion and that therefore, hopefully, if they mess up or are thinking of messing up they might have the guts to talk first, especially if that has become their natural default in the family. I want my kids to know that no matter what, they can come ask or talk. That I will accept their questions and thoughts and that they will listen to my guidance (for what it's worth!). No matter what kids say, their parents's opinion COUNTS. We must cash in on this, be reliable and trustworthy. (loong comment, sorry)
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda, all of it so true. I long ago decided to try and never lie to my kids, not even about 'small' things. It makes life a bit more difficult sometimes but I hope if I can be, as you say, reliable and trustworthy to them from this early on, that it will pave the way to keeping such an honest relationship later.
DeleteLet's form a night lift club for our girls and then at least if they won't talk to us as their mothers maybe they will be open to their old trashy aunty Janine or funny aunty Molly. I also have the eyes and nose of a proverbial hawk and will spot drug use a mile off. I also can take them to reputable tattoo and piercing shops and guide their choices. Maybe we should take drugs in front of them so they can see how vile and hilda they really are, totally demystify shrooms or something.
DeleteBest suggestion EVER. Let's just make drugs so eye-rollingly uncool that they won't be able to bear them! Love it you clever tart.
DeleteAlso yes please lift club, I'm not going to be able to stay awake that late every weekend ...