But that could get you hating, and I wouldn't want that.
So I'll just bang on about how relaxed and ready I'm feeling about Christmas, and you can be hating on me for that instead.
But really, I'm as surprised as anyone. I'm genuinely calm, prepared and feeling totally zen about this silly season: Christmas, school holidays, endless empty days to fill - bring it on.
Molly's SmugFace Guide to Christmas Preparedness:
1. Schedule 3+ weeks of family sickness for November. This enables you all to get really used to spending lots of time at home together. And gives you some time for holiday crafting to distract you from killing your children, or yourself.
2. Do one 2h trip to Osman's sometime far away from pay day (way too busy then) to sort out all stocking fillers, extra tinsel and tree bling, and the necessary couple of small friend gifts. Yeah, I know we should all be buying handmade but frankly, I can't always afford that.
3. Agree with your friends not to buy each others kids presents. We give and receive generously for our children's birthdays, and with all the family gifts they receive at Christmastime I don't think they need all that extra loot too. Sometimes we bake for our friends around Christmas time, sometimes we don't - there's no pressure and no one should be keeping score.
4. Order one kid's main gift from Kalahari (or similar online outlet), source other kid's gift on the web and go straight to the source to buy it in one easy excursion. Visit Reader's Warehouse or similar for a couple of books.
(Our girls get stockings from 'Father Christmas', and one or two presents from us. I'm loving the 3 gift concept too - something to wear, something to read, something to play - but if summer thus far is anything to go by they'll be stark naked until February, so I'm skipping the 'wear' one.)
5. Luck out on finding one source for all family gifts (us adults all buy one small gift per couple) - and earn bonus smug points for a) buying them all in under 30 mins and b) supporting a local industry.
Oh and, persuade your siblings not to breed - it really helps when you don't have nieces and nephews to buy for.
6. Wrap as you buy. I'm new to this (and I'm not joking when I say I'm as freaked out by this newfound efficiency as anyone) but what a winning concept. Buy a gift, wrap it when you get home/ that evening/ while they're in the bath / while talking on the phone. It only takes a minute and it's easier to stash a wrapped gift than an unwrapped one.
7. Start making a list in October of what your kids need or want so when you get the inevitable queries from relatives you've some answers at the ready. I've yet to meet an aunt or granny who's not appreciative and it means I have some control over the kind of
8. Pledge, and stick to it, not to go into any malls after end November. So far I've managed this and my god it's making a difference to my sanity levels. The Garden Centre doesn't count okay!
[Ack, went into Cavendish yesterday - but took the lift straight down to Woolies, bought shoes for both girls and got the hell out. Relatively unscathed.]
9. WALK AWAY. What can't be done, won't be done. Don't promise nothing to nobody but yourself - I've had years of practise letting myself down, it stopped hurting long time ago.
10. Throw candy, not money, at any problems which come your way. Or alternatively, your own face. Frequently.
Ah the smugness. Annoying hey?
Yeah, I'm too zen to let that bug me. And too busy frantically finishing a handmade stocking for Sunday.
What is it about this time of year?!